Returning to work after months of maternity leave is a very under-researched topic, with little understanding of the difficulties and issues faced by parents, in particular women, Franzoi, Sauta, De Luca, & Granieri (2024). Difficulties I am facing at this very moment. Particularly as my breast milk adjusts to changes in frequency and amount required, sending me into panic mode when I feel I am not pumping enough.

Think for a moment… Have you ever after having a child and thought, wow, this should come with a warning label? Alert, your emotions will wreak havoc with you and mess with your mind. For me the biggest one has been returning to work, I just did not comprehend how much it would affect me, emotionally, physically and psychologically.

In the build-up to having a baby, everyone says how exciting it all is, amazing and boy you will learn how to function on so little sleep you will forget what a rested night is. They share how you will have so much time to watch your baby grow into a little person with a little personality that demands all your attention, which you give without condition, just love.

But then, BAM, suddenly you’re dressed in real clothes, washed hair and praying your little one isn’t sick on you for the fourth time that morning. Looking like a person who you forgot long ago when your waist wasn’t ruined by growing this amazing human inside of you. Boy, did that realisation smack me in the face in January. One day I was focused on nothing but my little boy, the next I was bundling him up, rushing him into nursery, me, all dressed and ready, wearing the dreaded work clothes. I caught myself in the mirror that morning and this was when reality set in. I wasn’t going to be just mummy anymore, I was going to be a working mum. Gosh did that make me feel old…This strange-looking person in the mirror didn’t quite match who I had been for so long, rather than the usual pang of excitement at starting a new job, I was overcome with nerves and guilt. That pesky feeling of guilt taking over every inch of me, consuming me every moment. Guilt; I was selfish in leaving my baby behind, to be going back to work and have others care for him.

Guilt that I was no longer his everything and wasn’t the first to witness his milestones. Guilt for not wanting to go to work after so much trust had been put into me. Big, horrible feelings of guilt.

This feeling still lingers as I question some days whether have I done the right thing? I know the answer is yes, but a little niggle of doubt is the hardest thing to quiet, especially when you are still so tired from the waking nights and trying to balance work, baby and home life all at once and not feel like you’re drowning.

Multiple times I thought, that’s it, I am going to be a stay-at-home mum and never return to work. A lovely fantasy, a very unlikely reality. Then I looked at the nursery photos and remembered that he was learning so much and I owed it to him to work hard and allow him his time. It was then that I thought, I’ll write about this I know so many others will be feeling the same.

So how did I get over it? I didn’t, I haven’t. What I have done is develop my own ways of coping.

1. Talk about your baby any chance you get; you’re missing them and it’s OK to share with those who will listen how important this person is to you. (I phone my partner; he has no choice but to listen… He enjoys talking about him too)
2. Speak to someone when it is hard. Be honest and say, I’m struggling being away from my little one. It is a massive adjustment, and you will need time. I’ve cried a handle full of times, which is also OK (btw).
3. Savour the moments you have when you’re not working. Cancel plans with friends and make it about you, that’s more than OK.
4. Make time for you too. In the whole process of everything, we can lose sight of who we are outside of being mum and work. You need to remember that you are important too. Superheroes need some days off.
5. Remember, don’t worry about a messy home. If it is safe, this is all that matters.

While this has worked for me, it may not be something that works for you. Ultimately, this blog post was just a way of saying if you’re feeling the same, or having similar experiences, you are not alone. You will get through and adjust, just like you got through the sleepless nights and adjusting to parenthood.